Picture Review 222

It’s hardest on Sundays,

When I’m all alone.

I’m not alone and lonely

I’m alone by choice.

But It’s still hardest on my own

On Sundays.

I like to watch the Logo

Channel. “Logos” as I used to say, and

You always corrected me with a loving

Smile.

Laying on the couch

Drinking my coffee

That was brewed out on the porch,

Early in the morning

Waiting for you to wake.

Watching Sweet and Sappy

Love Stories,

Tears rolling Down my Face.

I know you loved me

I know you loved the Core of who I am.

I know We Understood

What to Love each Other meant;

To Love as The Gay’s we are.

We had an understanding;

A Gift,

A Place to call Home;

A Secret that Assured Us

That We were more than Okay

In the Eyes of the Lord.

And that is Why I cried.

And you Knew this

And Loved me for carrying

This knowledge for us,

In my Bursting with Emotion

Heart.

To watch what We never

Saw,

When we grew up

Was so Endearing.

We Knew that we got Lucky

To share in Our Own story

Of Love.

But as I Prepare

For Another move

And I pare down

Yet, Again ….

I go through all the old Photos,

Before you went Digital.

Late 2003 to Mid 2006

Something Happened

And I don’t know

What it was.

Tina showed back up,

May-May died,

Maybe you never knew

Yourself.

But I am reminded in those pictures

That You became Unhappy.

Maybe it was the hours or

The Panic that came back

When we moved here.

You quit your nursing

You started in the Bakery

And we never really did anything

For a while.

You started something New

MDS which lifted you some.

But I knew when you

Became as if you were Obsessed

With Buying a House,

That We were in Completely

Different Places.

I should have spoken up Then

Should have Stood My Ground

Told you that I wasn’t ready,

That I didn’t think We were.

But, baby, I had Convinced myself

That you couldn’t be Argued with.

I wish I had known What your Daddy

Had told Me

A few years Later

When it was Already Too Late.

I had changed,

Even though you were More Content

There was something Missing between Us

And Yes, if only I had waited it out

Been more Secure

And not Let Weakness Win …

I know I’m where I’m Supposed to Be

In my Life up to this Point.

You are right,

I may have made it another way.

And We will never Know.

But maybe My Review of Jac and Tam

In a Way that was Removed

Of Demands and Questions

And Tears and Fears of Loss of Love

Can Add some Healing Insight

To both our Hearts Tonight.

You were always my Choice

Regardless of anything That stood

In my Way.

I fell Asleep at the Wheel

And Lost my Way.

But You

Will Always Be

Forever in my Heart.

©2009jsblankenship

It's Taking So Long....

It's taking so Long

To dig through the Rubble

and Find Myself.

I felt Unreal,

Like I was dieing.

But I didn't Trust

What was Real.

You warned Me...

You feared it for Yourself;

That I hadn't experienced enough,

Maybe I'd go Straight, you said.

You feared that when the

Infatuation

Waned,

I wouldn't Trust

The Love.

May be

A little of Both

Was true ...

What I did;

Little by Little,

Was to Lose My way...

I Left behind God

I left Behind my Family

I left behind My senses.

Because I wanted you to Love me

Like you did in the Beginning.

You Spoiled me in the Beginning;

You Put me up too High.

And Then Life started Happening

To Peter Pan

and His Tinker Bell.

The World came in On

And I refused to Grow up

You didn't do anything Wrong!

All the things I got mad at You for

Were things I brought upon myself.

Wanting to Make you feel Safe;

Wanting you to Be Impressed.

Deathly Afraid to say

That I couldn't do it All alone.

All stuff I'm sure we Could have worked Through

If I hadn't been so Scared.

That second night I spent alone in the House

That Lonely Friday night...

It rained harder than I ever remembered

or than I have heard since.

Before you Left, you asked me:

Is it Going to be Me or Her?

And I wouldn't Answer.

I said it wasn't about either one of you, really

And I know today that that really was true.

I just needed some Time --

Time to find myself

But was scared to ask for it.

And then I became scared of you.

And In the almost 18 months since then,

I have watched you grow so much!

And I am Jealous of her who Has you.

Ashamed that I wasn't there for you --

All 4 times when you needed me the Most.

Some nights, Lost without You beside me,

I cry Myself to Sleep.

It's taking so Long

To Find the Real me,

That I'm not sure

You'll be around

If I try and Cash in

The Promise you asked me

Not to Forget.

But I know that I'm not ready

Because I'm still saying things

That I can't make good on ...

Yet.

I want to,

but I'm still not in a place

where I can.

And My reputation fades ....

I still have your Ink inside me

As many times as I wonder why

Three times that I know

I can never erase it from me

Or you from my Heart...

And as much frustration

and Hurt

And insanity as I can remember between us;

It's you that fills my Heart...Peter Pan

And Maybe I was as imaginary as Tink

Or Sam, that damned ole, stinky Fish...

But I'm still digging and rebuilding

And nourishing my Soul with the Right things

More and more

And I've asked for some Prayer from some

dear old...OLD friends...

That God will continue to reach out for me

And That I can Reach His Omnipotent Hand

Before Its too Late...

Mostly for Me....

But also for You, Us ..............

And then Maybe I'll bring in my Chips

To Your Cage

And see if they Still Carry any Value

1234