To dig through the Rubble
and Find Myself.
I felt Unreal,
Like I was dieing.
But I didn't Trust
What was Real.
You warned Me...
You feared it for Yourself;
That I hadn't experienced enough,
Maybe I'd go Straight, you said.
You feared that when the
Infatuation
Waned,
I wouldn't Trust
The Love.
May be
A little of Both
Was true ...
What I did;
Little by Little,
Was to Lose My way...
I Left behind God
I left Behind my Family
I left behind My senses.
Because I wanted you to Love me
Like you did in the Beginning.
You Spoiled me in the Beginning;
You Put me up too High.
And Then Life started Happening
To Peter Pan
and His Tinker Bell.
The World came in On
And I refused to Grow up
You didn't do anything Wrong!
All the things I got mad at You for
Were things I brought upon myself.
Wanting to Make you feel Safe;
Wanting you to Be Impressed.
Deathly Afraid to say
That I couldn't do it All alone.
All stuff I'm sure we Could have worked Through
If I hadn't been so Scared.
That second night I spent alone in the House
That Lonely Friday night...
It rained harder than I ever remembered
or than I have heard since.
Before you Left, you asked me:
Is it Going to be Me or Her?
And I wouldn't Answer.
I said it wasn't about either one of you, really
And I know today that that really was true.
I just needed some Time --
Time to find myself
But was scared to ask for it.
And then I became scared of you.
And In the almost 18 months since then,
I have watched you grow so much!
And I am Jealous of her who Has you.
Ashamed that I wasn't there for you --
All 4 times when you needed me the Most.
Some nights, Lost without You beside me,
I cry Myself to Sleep.
It's taking so Long
To Find the Real me,
That I'm not sure
You'll be around
If I try and Cash in
The Promise you asked me
Not to Forget.
But I know that I'm not ready
Because I'm still saying things
That I can't make good on ...
Yet.
I want to,
but I'm still not in a place
where I can.
And My reputation fades ....
I still have your Ink inside me
As many times as I wonder why
Three times that I know
I can never erase it from me
Or you from my Heart...
And as much frustration
and Hurt
And insanity as I can remember between us;
It's you that fills my Heart...Peter Pan
And Maybe I was as imaginary as Tink
Or Sam, that damned ole, stinky Fish...
But I'm still digging and rebuilding
And nourishing my Soul with the Right things
More and more
And I've asked for some Prayer from some
dear old...OLD friends...
That God will continue to reach out for me
And That I can Reach His Omnipotent Hand
Before Its too Late...
Mostly for Me....
But also for You, Us ..............
And then Maybe I'll bring in my Chips
To Your Cage
And see if they Still Carry any Value
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